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FREE-WRITE

“When faced with sickness, you pray to your gods, but in case that isn’t enough you rely on science and modern medicine. Your gods are omnipotent and have a plan, but you worry that things aren’t going as they should, so you vote in those who profess your religious beliefs. An eternity in heaven awaits you, but you worry more about your short time here on Earth. You don’t follow your religious texts fundamentally or literally, and you dissociate yourselves from those who do, as they make your religion look crazy. You constantly distance yourselves from people who take their faith much more seriously than you, but at the same time, you demand respect from those who have no faith at all. And since your faith is so weak, you constantly feel under attack by those who choose reason and logic over your beliefs.”

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-an atheist  (via eyereallydonno)

sad, but this was, is, and will always be true. always.

The list goes on, really. there are so many sins committed in a day to a point where believers don’t even know if something’s right or wrong. 

If Christians were, are and will always be sinful, what’s the point in believing? Or rather, how does it make SENSE that “God”, the God Christians worship and “devote their lives to” let’s sin happen in an endless cycle?

Before I believed, I only asked questions like these and let the anger take over all my logic. I pointed fingers and blameshifted to the church and people who believe - i judged. Not that there’s a big difference today… I still judge and blame others, but 4/5 years ago, I didn’t believe that judging and blaming was sinful .. I really honestly didn’t believe I was a sinner. Sure, I sometimes gossiped and cheated a few times and would curse in my head, etc. but I didn’t think I was a bad person. But Christians. People who are the MOST judgmental. People who claim they are saved and they believe and are faithful yet in a second, fall short of their claims. People who are close-minded and illogical. Christians are the worst.

That was my logic. 

But at this point in my life, I know I’m a sinner. I know I’m not one to judge ANYONE. (“When you’re pointing a finger at someone, remember, you’re pointing three fingers at yourself”) Through trial and error and sometimes supernatural events in which I believe were from God, I’d come to realize just how messed up I was. Every flaw I saw in others, I saw in myself. This opened my eyes to issues apart from myself. And eventually, I knew that life is so much more than for myself. For the first time in my life, I was able to do good, selfLESS deeds. 

But I guess after I started to believe, I forgot about the questions. I forgot about the ugliness I saw in the church and in people. So here I am… noticing the ugliness again.

Just because I realized that I’m just as ugly as anyone else doesn’t mean that I should ignore the issues concerning ugliness. WHY. WHY are we all. so. ugly? 

——————————

I’m TRYING to (in a open-minded way. very unbiased.) weigh out the atheist perspective and the religious perspective. When I think about my relationship with God, I’m confused. And I think my confusion naturally led me to turn away and think about other things that preoccupy my mind but in the end have no purpose. 

MY MIND RIGHT NOW:

-When I AM with God, everything makes sense. Everything is beautiful.

-I want to be with God.

-But my actions say I don’t. aka: I really don’t read the bible nor do I want to (but I do….. But I dont…….) 

-This makes me realize again and again that I’m a sinner. 

-But then again, what’s the point in believing in God if I was, am, and will always be a sinner?

-But then again, my questioning this… I’ve been THROUGH this. And I feel like these questions don’t even matter. 

-But then again, they DO. because there are people who I love that question my faith, there are people who I want them to believe, there are people who point fingers at me saying that my God is not real, or horrible. 

-Yeah I love them, but IM NOT GOD and EYE don’t have any power to bring them to know God and IM NOT in ANY situation to evangelize, either. I need alone time. I really do. 

…

Sigh. 

When my family or friends or I am sick, I pray. But I do rely on medicine. I worry about my future and my plans. I worry about my short time here on Earth. I don’t follow the Bible fundamentally or literally… i don’t even read the bible on a day to day basis. Sometimes I feel judged and I fear men before I fear God. But what makes me smile about this is that somewhere deep deep deep down inside, I have a feeling God still loves me. 

But what makes me frown is that some people don’t feel the same way. 

And that leads to the question: Oh all-powerful God… why isn’t everyone saved? 

^OKAY THAT RIGHT THERE. That’s questioning God’s plan and God’s ways. 

I let go of all these questions and frustrations, emotions, etc. and ejfoaijfoajfdjf I JUST WANNA SAY THAT BOTTOM LINE IS, GOD. I want to believe. At the end of the day, I really see no purpose in life without you and not even that, when i AM with you, I feel at peace. like.. wanjun pahjun peace that you can’t get with anyone else, but you. 

If i were to relate my moral dilemma to another current dilemma, it’s like gaining weight that I lost. I was really unhealthy and overweight, worked my butt off the get in shape and be healthy. and then fall back into the same bad habits like eating junk food, sleeping right after I eat, etc. 

sigh. Anyways… This was my prayer. Bye God. ttyl.

smoking.

Smoking does not make you a bad person, of course. but it is so damn unattractive. Really, I hate it. 

I just came back from the band meeting, and every single person in the chicken restaurant was smoking. omg just shoot me. I reek. I straight up smell like a smoker and my throat hurts.

yeah, smokers know that smoking is bad, obviously. but so is soda. and procrastinating. etc. i get it. and like drinking soda or procrastinating, smoking is a choice. so I don’t really nag or anything to people who smoke. I’d say something like “ahh, stop smoking! you’re gross.” lightly a few times, but that’s it. Cuz ultimately, I have no power to change that habit and I’m just being annoying. 

but when it comes to my significant other, there will be absolutely no leniency with smoking. If he likes me enough, if he wants me to stay, he needs to stop-end of story. 

Besides that, the band meeting was great! everyone’s super nice. I start recording next tuesday, so we’ll see how things turn out. :3

Just take a walk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wMhhq7zwPc

I’ve been in Korea for only .. 6 days? It feels like forever.

Small things - CONSTANTLY force feeding me. Only talking about shopping. Obsessing over yourself and your life. Trying to fish for compliments over and over again. I really can’t stand my grandma. I know I REALLY shouldn’t be THIS annoyed and bitter, but I am. And I can’t help it. God, this one’s all you. I just can’t…

I understand I wasn’t born in Korea, but I can speak Korean… I can look at a map (kinda..) and I can get by. I’m in college. I understand my family worries about me because they love me, and sometimes freak incidents happen. But they have to let go. 

Yesterday morning I woke up to all these frustrations and anger and bitterness getting to me, making me really really uneasy. So at 5:30am, I decided to go for a walk. 

Best walk ever. I think it was when the dark shade of blue got lighter and lighter and eventually the sun came up that eased me… Not quite sure why. But I’m definitely going to jog every morning from now on. 

omg i CANT wait until I can get a dog. sigh. i. can’t. wait. 

I like rings. and random offers of candy. 

I just came back from the marketplace where 934093293 people sell fresh seafood. Dude the place is so crowded and hectic and sad…. well, i guess to me. Everyone’s trying to get you to buy their seafood. They grab your arm, call you sister/brother, look at you desperately and promise that they’ll give you extra - honestly, i think about hunger games and the Hob and how desperate these people are to sell to feed their families and themselves and pay bills. And then there was this man in rubber overalls on a wooden board with wheels, pushing himself with his hands and dragging his feet which appeared to be cut off under the overalls. I can’t explain it - it’s basically a beggar who looks like he has no feet. It’s a trick that a lot beggars do. I’ve seen this often. Still, it disturbs me. WHY can’t I give him any money. a dollar. a DOLLAR. Like.. I get how it can be “dangerous” giving money or food to a beggar, cuz some people get sued or stalked. My mom got followed once when she was young. I’ve heard cases where people got stalked. But um .. why should that keep me or anyone from helping someone who’s hungry? I have more than enough food to eat in a day. Why can’t I give some of mine to someone who, no feet or not, was desperate enough to drag himself on a wooden board in the middle of a crowded marketplace. 

And even when people are aware of the difference between free will and predestination, it’s sad how easily we abuse “God’s grace” and continue to do as we wish thinking that we’re predestined somehow to be forgiven and saved.

And omg it’s SO weird/surreal when I think that there are such things as evil and good spirits… it’s so easy I feel like to think of God and Satan as just an idea. 

:) And wow you word things really well… When people tell me to write as if I’m talking, I don’t think they understand but I sound absolutely retarded. I wish God gave me the gift to speak intelligently. I’d think of something to say, and in my head it sounds good and makes sense, but I swear there is something in between my brain and mouth that makes everything sound idiotic. 

My second exam was yesterday and I felt like I deserved a day off so today I packed, cleaned, did the laundry, got my parents take-out and now I am planning on watching friends and office bloopers. I like cleaning. I like it a lot. :) 

I have to admit… as I was cleaning and packing, I got really really sad thinking that in 6 days, my Freshman year is over. I really wish I was here for the full year…. :/ And as much as I extremely dislike the bad habits and the lack of common sense of my roommate, I’m going to miss this room. I’m going to miss all this……

SOOOO I asked her if she wanted to room with me next year and she said YES! :D

el oh el jay kay. never.

DDAY is so soon. eeekkk im so excited/anxious for you. :D

man. may 15th is so so so soon. :T … :) 

… but I’m planning on making the most out of this trip. 

“Adding God in your sentence

doesn’t make everything okay. 

You idiot.”

^that’s one side of me whenever I read posts or listen to conversations with “God” in them. 

My capacity to love is shrinking… I’ve been questioning other people’s faith, and I’m too scared to question mine. I judge without wanting to be judge.. when in actually, the only person who can judge is God.

And… I get defensive when people question me. 

Why? 

Because. I guess I’ve had all these expectations that weren’t met, and I’ve been on the other side where I would question others and I assume that when people ask questions, they’re just out to judge me. I feel chastised because I know what they’re thinking….. or I think I know.

No one will ever know. No one will ever understand… no one will ever understand except God, really. so I don’t even want to bother talking to people about certain things because actually, there’s no one who I think is genuine and real enough to be able to guide me. (except for will) Call me stubborn or closed-minded—i really dont think I am. I just find everyone really, really phony. 

(…… But regardless… people ask to show concern and care. And it shouldn’t bother you, Jinnie. God’s judgement’s the only valid judgement so why are you so worked up about what other people think? People may be phony, but who are you to judge!? Stop contradicting yourself and find your peace in God.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes just by human nature. 

I know I shouldn’t have done this. I know I shouldn’t have done that. I know I shouldn’t be upset or annoyed by this. I know it all. I KNOW. 

Sigh.

God. Forgive me. Maybe I am a lot more lost in sin than I think I am. Or maybe I’m caring too much about how the world views things. Bottom line is, I feel burdened. I want to do things right. I want to be in a genuinely God-centered relationship… but I feel like we’re getting there. And I want to go through this struggle together. I pray that he does, too. 

Lately, i’ve been really skeptical of everyone and everything… 

I mean, it doesn’t affect me in a bad way—at least I don’t think it does. :/ 

Like… when people give testimonies, a part of me feels like it’s all really unnecessary .. and part of it is fake. 

Me: “does she really have to pant through the entire testimony and sound like she’s about to cry? does she even believe what she’s saying? Okay, she keeps saying God this and God that, but honestly—she looks like/sounds like she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about.”

eh. I don’t make these judgements to dislike someone. Different from other times, these judgements make me care rather than simply judge and dislike. I think it’s because at this point in my life, I am humbled and my main concern is for the change of others and myself. 

Eh, it’s hard to tell. Even though I feel like a lot of people are fake especially in college, it doesn’t make me dislike the person or think of myself as better. Heck! EYE’M fake at times, too! Who am I to judge?

But it’s just difficult. I think coming into college, I’ve got more of a backbone and I stand up for what I think is right (not based on what feels right, but based on what i THINK is right). While that is good, it’s also a burden because so many things bother me!!! Or rather—there are just so many problems and flaws I see, but I cannot do anything about it. but at the same time, i feel inclined to do something about it rather than watch the person make a fool out of himself.

hello

eyereallydonno:

=)

WOAH WHO ARE YOU

i hate hate hate

initiating.

“Those who were forgiven much love much.

Those who were forgiven little love little.”

What genuinely saddens and frustrates me is resentment… When I hold a grudge or I judge or hate someone… and I don’t want to forgive or ask for forgiveness. 

It’s a very sad, unfortunate thing… because ultimately, what I’m doing is refusing to love that person when I know that I’m just as bad or as good as any other person.

yeah,

i’d say that im content with life,

but something is missing.

and that something is causing me to be bipolar and uneasy.

yeah. i think i know what it is, but we’ve been through this before. EYE have been through this so many times. and at this point…

i feel like im stuck in a never ending cycle. 

i feel hopeless. hopeless because i am so weak and i find myself falling again and again no matter what. also because you don’t know what i am talking about..

and it is not in my power to make you understand.